Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
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My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
not to brag, but mine was free
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.