Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
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9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
my sentiments exactly
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.