Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
You Might Also Like
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?