Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
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me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
My blood type is b hungry.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
where the womens at?
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.