detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
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I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
the red hot silly peppers
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
inventing words: clothing
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness