Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
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It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
be careful
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.