Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
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Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.