ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues

DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun

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[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?


I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?


Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.


Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.


When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…


95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.


*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*


DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?


Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store

Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes

Me: say no more


Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close