@Reverend_Scott

DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN

ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues

DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun

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@funflaps

[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?

@Dorkstar

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

@NourHadidi

Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.

@becabird

Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…

@jeannerbeaner

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.

@StinkyGr33n

*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*

@DurtMcHurtt

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

@Smooheed

Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store

Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes

Me: say no more

@fro_vo

Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close