DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
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If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Don’t make me out nice you.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days