detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
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When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day