Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
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DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*