Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
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Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines