dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
dad: What’s a fuse?
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Detective: Between the hour-
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
You Might Also Like
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner