Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
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coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
December birthdays be like…
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
#Caturday
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”