DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
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Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
When news reporters do sports stories
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO