detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
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My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?