[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
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Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.