Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.

[two coworkers walk into my office]

Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!

Me: Where?

Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]

Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need

Her: so tell me a fun fact

Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!

H: I mean about yourself…

M: …I know the plural of octopus

First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.

Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes

I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.

These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

I’m gonna take this shit to another level!

*pushes elevator button*

Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?

Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.

Me: Just call me loaded fries!

Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉

Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.

I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.

Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.

How I read news articles:

1. Read the headline

2. Go directly to the comment section

3. Have a meltdown

Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.

Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears

[writing Jurassic Park 2]

Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT

Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-

Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN

Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas

Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️