@WheelTod It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
@murrman5 [determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
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@WheelTod 
@Fredzipfel I like crazy people until they notice me
@coolbutgood my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
@david8hughes On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
@OllyiConic [used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
@bobvulfov MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
@ilovepie84 History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
@crunchenhanced Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
@MarioInAZ Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
@weinerdog4life Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question