@murrman5

[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”

You Might Also Like

@WheelTod

It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.

@coolbutgood

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

@david8hughes

On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.

@OllyiConic

[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car

@bobvulfov

MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze

@crunchenhanced

Women are like campfires.

Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.

And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.

Mostly.

@MarioInAZ

Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.