[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
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[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!