devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
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(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”