Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
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MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.