developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
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Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume