DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
You Might Also Like
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.