Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
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Lmao the reply
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Care for your back
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.