[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
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AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.