Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
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When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
what
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?