Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
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You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
How I like cutting carbs
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Never forget.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol