Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
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Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices