[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
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[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
My teenage children choosing violence
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”