Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
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Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker