Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
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Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Who knew!
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
True freaking story!
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire