DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
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10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
12653.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement