dictator is short for richard potato
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I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
I will never stop laughing at this
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Legend 🤣🤣
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
😂💯
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.