Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.
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I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
A REAL smart phone would know when to shut up.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
*pronounces UPS like yoops
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
sin harder.
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Raisins are grape jerky.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Sponch
