Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
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After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!