Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
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NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
😂💯
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
I’m Sold!
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.