Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
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Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
welcome back
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!