Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
