Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
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If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him: Which half?
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me: “woofie goldberg”