Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
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Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂