@10InchesPlus

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

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@holly_hjk

If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)

@dafloydsta

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

@liljonlovitz

*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*

you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house

@LizHackett

I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.

@goodvibeschic

You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …

@casual_koala

Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

@XplodingUnicorn

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

@Darlainky

My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.

@KeetPotato

wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”