Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
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Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.