did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
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Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
umm…
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively