Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
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Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!