did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

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In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.


[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.


Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?



“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”


Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.


As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.


The only thing we have to fear is fear itself


When a women asks if you notice anything different



Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015

Use it while you can, white girls


GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually


“Is this your resume?”


“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”


“Welcome to UPS!”