@SketchesbyBoze

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

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@TweetsByTheTony

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

@PLATINUM2000

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

@Bandersnaaatch

Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?

@Jake_Vig

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

@Sanbel11

Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.

@DarthPutinKGB

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

@Pierre__4

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

AND

When a women asks if you notice anything different

@junejuly12

BREAKING NEWS

Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015

Use it while you can, white girls

@Brampersandon_

GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually

@daemonic3

“Is this your resume?”

Yes

“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”

Yes

“Welcome to UPS!”