did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
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There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?