did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
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BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare