@Mom_Overboard

Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.

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@SwanieChicken

Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?

@LuvPug

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway

@WilliamAder

Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.

@Reverend_Scott

*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…

“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”

SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.

@Suzietine_Kryze

Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.

@DrakeGatsby

[Breakfast]

My Wife: What are you doing?

Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.

@jwoodham

If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”