What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
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Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…
“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”