Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
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I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
They got a point!
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.