Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
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Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*