Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
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Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
When I said I liked it rough.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.