Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
You Might Also Like
WHY would you be happy about this?
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.