Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
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Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Has science gone too far?
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war