“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
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If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.