Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
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[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.