“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
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If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
no one ever comes back
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!