Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
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ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Strange
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.